...

Remember that whenever you are at the top, there will always be people who will try and bring you down and inhibit your success. People are naturally jealous and try and find flaws in you, even if you didn't do anything wrong. But these people can just be easily shut off by ignorance. As long as my conscience is clear, and I achieve my goals, it doesn't matter what others say about me. When you lose, lose with dignity. When you win, win with humility. What's there to gain from shooting your mouths off? Nothing but becoming an empty vessel. Think I shall stay away from Dota from now on. It's not healthy at all and it just pisses me off at how ugly people can turn into. How they judge you based on your skills, when they don't even know who you are behind the computer screen. So fuck that game because now I'd rather focus on more fulfilling things in life like my studies and climbing. Honestly I like playing dota, but not the way people play it. What ever happened to sportsmanship? Oh right, it's not even a sport. I guess that's why people can just hide behind the screen and just mock others safely without any consequences. Well, it doesn't matter anymore, I'm done with this shit and i'm moving on with life.

If people are more calm when they play games, or don't talk so big, maybe, just maybe, this game won't be so shitty to me anymore.

Last training with Jups

On my way home now from a wonderful dinner with most of the climbers and Jups and Miss G at TCC. It was an expensive dinner, but luckily Jups had a half price voucher (although it was still expensive in the end)

Was kinda glad that Miss G didn't give the econs test in the end. I don't think she forgot about it, but i think she knew that we just want to climb when we are supposed to climb, and study when we are supposed to study. Honestly I was getting slightly irritated with her mentioning about econs all the time during climbing, but I understand that she only wants us to do well and only wants the best for us. And besides, she does teach me some important points for econs. And without her, a lot of good things in climbing would not have happened. No matter how bad she may appear to be sometimes, I respect her and am glad to have a teacher like her...

Today was the last training with Jups. It is a pity that we only had such a short time with him. Nevertheless, those few months were filled with some of the best moments of my life so far. Jups didn't just teach us about climbing, he taught us how to live a fulfilling life. I shall never forget what he debriefed us today, that we must always be patient, not be too obsessed with our goals and to enjoy the experience in everything we do. Just like in climbing.

It's only a few more trainings to pumpfest. I wish we had more time to climb. I wish we had more time to train the juniors and see them improve under our guidance. But we all have to face the A levels. And it's probably the most important exam in our lives that determines our future..

Pumpfest. I will go for it with no expectations, and complete it with no regrets.

Looking back, it has been an eventful one year. One year ago, pumpfest 2011, I was sent for a massacre. NJ ended the season with a total of 4 points. Four points from 3 competitions. 1 of which my seniors didn't even participate in. And now, even though NJ may still be last place, we stand stronger with 26 points so far, still having one competition remaining. Sure, as compared to other JC climbing teams, we are absolutely shit. But once we are an official team by ourselves, the possibilities are endless...

Finally reached home. Shall take a shower and sleep early for NVM tmr. Quite excited :)

Climbing training

Today was quite a good training day at CA. All of us got to do a lot of routes. I can feel the momentum coming back already and I'm quite excited for pumpfest. It's gonna be my last comp and I'm going to make it worthwhile. Managed to top most of the routes dished out at me and I'm feeling quite satisfied :) although I felt like a selfish bastard today. I guess I need to find another way to get $, because this isn't a moral way of doing so. I'll just have to find another way to source out for $. Now that i think about it, I shouldn't have resorted to that. It's quite despicable of me to have even considered that. But at least I was aware of it in the end and made matters right...

Dinner was enjoyable. Jups came along too. It's really great to have a coach like him. I feel quite excited for saturday's training, it's gonna be the last training we have with him and I want it to end on a good note:)

Also looking forward to many upcoming events for the June hols. But I will always keep in mind to focus on my studies and not slack off.

I think I need to watch my temper nowadays.. Guess I'm getting too hot headed and rash. Maybe it's just from all the stress. Shouldn't vent my anger on those around me because those are the people who truly care about me. Sometimes I wish my family members showed more concern for me. Everyone just can't wait for me to graduate so I can become independent and not be a burden anymore since I'm the last child that is still undergoing education. I love my family a lot because they never pressure me to do well in anything. But maybe that's what I don't like about my family too... My family allows me to be independent, to pursue my dreams, and provides assistance when necessary. But they will intervene when I pursue unconventional dreams. Guess I shouldn't complain much about that. Most parents only want their child to be the best that he can be. I can already be considered being born with a silver spoon. Not everyone's family is smooth sailing.

What's bothering me now is also the case of one the junior guy climbers who can't climb anymore because of a rather serious injury. and he has little hope of joining back climbing soon. I sort of regret that it is sort of through my informal climbing training that resulted in his bad fate. If only it didn't happen, then he wouldn't miss the valuable climbing trainings during the June hols. This is the prime time for them to improve greatly. It is a great pity... But what has happened can't be reversed. a part of me still truly hopes that he will return, but I know it will not and cannot happen, as it is for the sake of his well being.

Feeling kinda tired from the whole day. Going to crash real soon. Think I won't be able to do work at night since I'm so tired. But I think I'm making good progress in my studies. Can't wait to clear all my tutorials and just go straight into revision. Need to finish all my tutorials by end of this week.. Hopefully.

Going to collate the photos for the special present. Really excited about it :D

It's getting weird and I think any more i'll just be disgusted. Shall just tolerate this for a few more months..

I had 3 choices this whole holiday. Studies. Climbing. Class outings. Sad to say I can only choose two, and I have made up my mind... Guess I have to make that sacrifice as there's just not enough time for me to waste...

Day 3. And so the counter restarts again. Wonder how long it'll last.

Hmmm

One leadership style I do not like: the leader who only looks forward to getting things over and done with. It just shows the leader's innate desire to finish everything as fast as possible so that he or she can do what he or she wants to do. Not a care about the experience. Not a damn given about friendships. Just vying for a testimonial to get the hell out as soon as possible. When you say you can't wait for something to be over, it only shows how much you really care. Such things should not be said even if it is thought about. We all want to get our things done, but not appreciating the efforts of others or not learning from the process is just blind leadership. Doing things for the sake of doing it, and in the end getting the glory. Yet the ones who sacrifice so much, do not mind not getting any recognition.

NJ has shown me good and bad leaders that I can learn from. True leaders are those who really think through what the college demands from its students, whereas lousy leaders merely follow the college's orders blindly.

I really hate that sort of leadership style. But maybe these kind of people are great to have in society. Because in the end, they are the ones who show others who truly cares through exposing their true colours.

The beginning of the end

June holidays are finally here. But it will not be spent like previous years. I still remember last year around this time I begin to venture outside to climb and that was when my passion for climbing was discovered.

A year has past. It is a short time, but many things have changed. I have changed quite significantly in the past one year. I took a break from my tutorials and read some of my past blog entries. Reading about how I perceived JC life back then really amuses me. I guess I have grown up from that small boy and I'm slowly becoming a young adult.

Whatever the future may hold for me, I am ready for it. A Levels. National Service. University. Job. Career. Relationships. Family. Friends etc. in just one year a person can change so much. I wonder what I'll be like 10 years from now.

The remainder of this whole year will be spent mugging my ass off for the upcoming A Levels that will affect my future.

I hope I will survive the oncoming hurdles that I will face.

Time to do some work...

Life of a jc student

It's not easy being a jc student. You really are being stretched completely for time, and there just seems to be so much to do, yet so little time.

Today one of my teachers scolded me for not doing my homework and called my mum up. Honestly I wouldn't care because I know this teacher cannot help me in my learning much and it's much more productive to just study the notes during the lesson. Sometimes I just wish I had my old teacher from last year again. But you can't have the best for everything. But today I felt remorseful. Not because I did not do my work. But because I realized I have changed. I thought hard about it. How did I excel last year, and suddenly drop in my acads this year? Was it cause jc2 is more demanding? Over commitments? Moving home to a house further from NJ? What could have possibly caused me to become like this? I sincerely have no idea. But I know I will have to fight very hard to get what I want eventually.

Actually I'm glad that there are many other much better NJ teachers that are looking out for me. Those are the teachers that I will truly respect even after I graduate. But in the end, this is a journey that I have to walk alone.

Today Miss Gao asked me about what happened about the teacher calling my mum up incident. She told me she didn't expect me to be like that. She told me that I was diligent and was hardworking in my work, but why the sudden change?

I need to get back on track. To make things right in the end. I am the master of my own fate...

And this made me worry. It made me worry about the juniors. They will have to go through the same problems as we face, especially Zi Hao. I feel really sorry for him that he has to be the unlucky one that suffers all of this because of the hopes and dreams of my batch. But I hope that the eventual outcome will bring him joy and motivation into his life, just like what climbing and the people around me gave to me...

So far I am quite happy to find out that the school is actually quite supportive of climbing, believe it or not. I guess my dream may come true in the end, even though I will not be there to witness it myself.

Although a part of me feels like an asshole for being the one that wanted this whole thing to be implemented in the first place, I guess it is for the benefit of everyone especially for future generations to come. There are so many things that I want to say that is on my mind, but I think I will not say it as it may be offensive to some people. So I'll just leave it as that.

Until next time.

And I got into PES D for NS medical checkup. I am quite amused that the curse of the Zhi Yong actually came true :D

Moving on

The past two days have been eventful. Boulderactive on Friday, college day today. Now I'm on my way for a mother's day dinner with my family. There's Chem spa this coming Tuesday, and NS medical checkup on Wednesday. Then it's common test. I am definitely not prepared for econs.

But aside from that, the past two days taught me to move on from everything. Not doing as expected for Boulderactive. Not doing as expected for Chem lecture test. Not doing well with everything.. But I have to move on. Just like everything else in life. And learn from past mistakes.

I will emerge satisfied no matter what. I will not let anyone especially myself down.

Owch...

Today was quite a good day. Learnt a lot from all the lessons today although towards the end of econs lecture I was feeling quite sleepy. But the lecture was ok.

During yesterday's mock comp, I did as I expected to do. Jups expects me to get into finals. But honestly I don't know if I really do stand a chance.

Sometimes I feel helpless because i am just one person handling this team. But I am glad that this team's really supportive of each other.. It sucks to see your fellow team mates feeling down and out when you are doing well and pushing yourself and all you can say are a few words of encouragement. Words are just words. You wish you could help but in the end it's just a solo battle one must fight against himself...

The same nerve on my right hand fourth finger got strained again just like a few days before OBC. Might considering taping up my hand for Boulderactive this Friday. Mixed feelings towards it. On one hand, I want everyone to do well and feel that they have improved. But on the other, it's gonna pain me to see the juniors go through the same shitty feeling I had to go through last year. But I hope they will emerge out of it even stronger and with even greater willpower...

House session was honestly strange to me. I think I didn't deserve what I got because to be honest, I did not feel that I did enough as a HA to receive such commendation. But nonetheless I am still touched by it :)

Tmr there's physics spa. Shall go study for it now and do my maths tutorial. It's time to catch up and be ahead in the rat race.

Don't understand the world sometimes

I don't understand the world sometimes. Ok not really the world. But more of this country. This education system. The students.

The more I look at the situation around me, the more I feel that something is really wrong.

I am in my JC2 year. They say it's the toughest part of most people's education in Singapore. Time is limited and stress is high. It really opened my eyes to the ugly side of this education.

I would like to talk about studies. Everybody has to study. I have to study. This is A Levels. No fooling around. I agree that studying is important. But so is a leadership position. It really makes me question whether people run for a leadership position just for the portfolio, because it really is evident from my point of view. Pushing away your duties to others. Escaping from your responsibilities. And in the end? You get the same damn recognition as everybody else even if they did more than you. Even if they are more committed and passionate about their role. And you get to laugh at them. Mock them for their stupidity for doing so much and having less time to study as compared to yourself. This is just injustice. But that's how the world works. It's always academics before everything else. And I am living in a struggle. A struggle where everyone is constantly trying to be ahead of each other, a struggle for the best testimonial. So why do i despise my school system? Because they endorse this kind of lifestyle, and do nothing about it. And in the end you ask yourself, was everything worth it? It most certainly is. Because my conscience is clear and I didn't go against my morals. Some way, karma will always be ahead of those who think they can get away with it.

Climbing

Today's climbing training was quite a good experience.. Trained the juniors by setting some fairly difficult routes for them at CA. Can see that the guys are improving greatly and are really determined.

I think I found one problem about me as a CAO... I can't set routes for girls. I just feel bad that they can't complete the routes and that I set too hard. I know it's for their own good and training but I just don't feel right about it sometimes.. Guess that's my weakness after all, that I can't train girls very well :( but I'll work on it. I don't want to see this girls team fall apart. Really glad to have someone like XX to help out with the girls:)

Kinda tired after today but it was fulfilling. Looking forward to this Friday's Boulderactive competitions. Dreamt about getting into finals by getting top 8 for it, getting rewarded with a medal around my neck by V Cheng during morning assembly and feeling a sense of pride to the team and bringing hope for the boulder gym... I know I may sound quite arrogant but it's something I want to achieve.. To improve the reputation of climbing in the college and not for it to die out now that passion is burning strong. Is this just a miracle? It all depends on this coming Friday.

I'll leave the door on the latch if you ever come back...